Kill Me Now

8:24 arrive home from visiting grandparents for the day (note: no nap), attempt at carseat to crib transfer foiled

8:25-8:57 take off pants, change diaper, and attempt to soothe exhausted half asleep sobbing, thrashing 2 year old who doesn't know where he is and why he was woken up from a deep slumber, finally have success with tight hold, rocking, and 15 minutes of endlessly repeated whispered rhythmic recitation of Goodnight Moon from memory

8:57-9:08 enjoy quietly sitting in rocking chair with warm sleeping child on my lap, await deeper sleep cycle verified by wrist drop before installing in crib, wakes up anyway but accepts normal bedtime routine of back rub, count to 10, ABC song, and special goodnight kiss

10:36 went to bed

11:00- lie in bed listening to sprinklers coming on and neighbors out in the street

11:?? finally fell asleep

12:23 hear Turtle cry, extract stuck foot from between crib rails, start over with back rub, count to 10, ABC song, and special goodnight kiss

12:23-1:?? lie in bed listening to
resident nightingale at decibel levels illegal past 10 pm in this neighborhood
every breath and snore and move of husband next to me
random thoughts & irrational worries swirling around in my brain

1:?? finally fell asleep

2:17 hear Turtle cry, apply blanket to cold legs, locate white bear at opposite end of crib, commence back rub, etc, #3

2:20-2:27 stand over crib removing hand from back and self from room molecule by molecule soundlessly so as not to be detected, successfully sneak out after taking 7 minutes to walk 6 feet

2:27-3:?? lie in bed listening to bird, snores, thoughts until I finally fall asleep

4:22 Oh my freaking god, you have GOT to be kidding me, hear Turtle cry again, say "What?! What?!" to him as he says "mommy, mommy, mommy" over and over and mumbles nonsensical things, lift him out and carry to our bed, plop down in frustration

4:22-6:26 little warm arm over my neck, toes jabbing into my side, toss, turn, soft breath against my arm, legs kicking my boobs, "stop kicking me!", toss, turn, fall in and out of sleep, lose track of who is tossing and turning, awaken multiple times in discomfort, start thinking about how much today is going to SUCK because I got no sleep, oh yeah and Turtle got no sleep, oh yeah and Backtire got no sleep, so begin anticipating hell, curse the situation

6:26 little fingers stroking my hair, kind of pleasant and soothing, actually, no wait, stroking turns to grabbing fistfuls of hair and pulling at my scalp over and over

6:27 "Kill me now" comes out of my mouth, alerting Backtire to my plight, who has several times throughout the night tried unsuccessfully to extricate Turtle from my personal space, Backtire gets up with a heavy sigh, removes Turtle from the room and lets me get some sleep

6:28-7:01 listen to Turtle cry for Mommy, argue about diaper change, play with Daddy in his bedroom at full volume, oh yeah and ALL of the birds are awake now, and the sun is streaming through the window, finally yell that they need to "Go to the living room, please! and shut the hall door, please!"

7:02-9:15 sun, birds still at full stimulation levels, attempt to block somewhat with strategic pillow placement, sound of toddler and Daddy still present, but fainter, able to fall in and out of sleep a bit more until I just give up and get up to come write this as a way of avoiding today's hell just a little bit longer.

9:39 post this puppy and go to meet my fate