"Girls Can't Do It"

Team sports don't do much for me. I've always been more of an X-Games kind of girl. I was a skater in another lifetime, am into street and dirtbikes, still love to rollerskate (quads only!), and recently took up BMX along with my son. Two years ago, I fought a lot of anxiety and self-doubt to even make it around the track for the first time. After much practice, I gained confidence, got smooth, and then started to get fast. It was so awesome the last few times we went because in choosing to work on speed, I ended up inadvertently catching air for the first time and finally "got" what that was all about.

I've always fantasized about being able to do air tricks on a bike or dirtbike and practically blew out the clutch on my XR250L trying over and over to do wheelies down suburban streets years ago. The best of which felt like I was going to fall over backwards but probably looked like my tire popped up about an inch off the pavement. Backtire automatically does huge ones by just thinking about it and has tried to explain the physics and mechanics of getting that front tire off the ground to me dozens of times (you get where the nickname comes from now). But although I understand it scientifically, I've never been able to feel what I need to feel to actually do it. I've tried really hard to no avail.

It turns out that trying was going to get me nowhere. Speed was what I needed and the bike just lifted itself up magically! or scientifically! but I certainly didn't feel in control of it. Now I know that if I get to the right speed I can get a little air on the top of any jump that I want and I can feel how with more speed and the right twitch here and there, I could get bigger and bigger air.

Then there's the steep drop ins. Although I eventually learned years ago how to drop into a small skateboard ramp and I've gone down steep hills on dirtbikes and mountain bikes and skis, and I know that how gravity and friction work and that the bike will be fine going down and all I have to do is calmly stay on it, when I roll the BMX bike up to a steep drop in, I always chicken out. Well, here's the new motivator- my 4 year old. He has been following daddy down the steep drop ins the last few times while I take another route (chicken sounds here). Screw that! Today I just started pedaling behind them before my head could get a chance to stop me and of course I was fine.

Then we headed over to the big bowl, part of the track I've never even considered riding and after Backtire went through it, Turtle asked if I would and I said "hmmm, I don't know, I never have" (more chicken sounds here) to which he replied "Well, girls can't do it." Screw that, too! Talk about double motivation. No way am I going to let my son believe that "girls can't do it" about anything! So, off I went. Right down the ultra steep drop in and up the other side without eating it. Whoo hoo! Who woulda thought?! And now I'm eyeing some of the bigger jumps and thinking about how I can work my skills up to the point of attempting them... what was fear to even try has become passion to get better. I'm hooked! In fact, where I used to begrudgingly accompany them to the track, I was the one who suggested going today because I really wanted to ride.

It took me two years to get to this point. That's longer than I believe I've ever stuck with something that I wasn't learning very fast. I've always tended to quit that which I couldn't get wired right away or at least make great gains in rapidly. Especially anything vaguely in the realm of sports. But now I'm growing - at the BMX track and in my approach to learning new things- and maybe I actually WILL catch that fantasy big air one day...

Not Me- I Wish!

(Photo Credit: http://www.future10.com/v2/blog/?m=200805)

Ahead of Myself

I am always ahead of myself. I drop things because my feet are already leaving the kitchen before my hands have gotten a good hold on the plate I need to carry. I bump into things because I'm already walking through the door anyway even though my hand found the knob to be a little stuck and hasn't gotten the chance to finish opening it. My hip hits the corner of the counter because my mind is already in the next room. My head lives in the future. Sometimes the distant future, but most of the time at the very least a few moments from now.

The good part of this? I'm excellent at planning things, at visualizing how the logistics of something will work out. I'm always prepared, like a Boy Scout, anticipating what could go wrong and what I might need to have with me. I don't fall prey to procrastination often, so I don't suffer the stress of the looming deadline. I'm good at saving money. I remember to take pictures so we can remember the moment later.

The bad part of this? The bruises and spilled food. The overpacking. The worry over how the action of this moment will impact the next and 10 years from now. The preparation for the anticipated reaction to my actions that may or may not ever actually materialize. That one causes me to rehearse conversations and confrontations, usually in the shower and while I'm driving. When I'm in overdrive, I even imagine how I'll respond to something that I don't actually have any evidence that some other person is going to say to me. The sitting out on fun now things to make sure I stay on top of future things. The internal reactions I have when things do not come out as I imagined or hoped or expected. The external reactions I have to things not meeting my expectations and how those effect the people around me and my relationship to them. The difficulty with spontaneity and living in the moment.

Sigh...

A Day Off

Early in motherhood I read some article reminding moms that "when you are gone, it won't matter whether you kept a clean house, but that you sat down and playing with your kids and gave them your attention". A nice sentiment and excuse not to do housework, but let's have a reality check. 

Inspired by this advice, I decided to take a break from doing the normal thing, that is picking up after all of us as we go about our business. This is usually done here and there after each activity is finished and in a couple of bigger spurts. At the end of the evening, I often like to sweep as many toys out of eyesight as possible so that I can sit and relax in the living room and pretend to live a child-free existence for 11 minutes before I fall asleep on the couch trying to read the same articles out of a months old magazine that I don't even recognize I've already read. Hey, this memory loss thing could really save me money on subscriptions!

But, I digress. For one 24 hour period, I made a conscious effort to sit down and relax or do something fun that I enjoy each time I was tempted to put things away. I wanted to know how the carefree moms live. Here is the result:

kitchen table

coffee table

floor

Which reminds me of this hilarious stay at home mom's great answer to "what do you do all day?"

Seriously, if I even took off a second day, let alone a week, well, it just makes me realize that neat freak tendencies aside, I am only one small slip down the slippery slope away from

(Photo Credit)

those people you see on daytime TV that need household clutter interventions. And I only have one kid and no pets! 

I have a hard time letting it get like this and would rather keep up with it all day so that my environment is more relaxing and enjoyable to me.  Therein lies the paradox:  take time off to relax in an environment that grows ever-unrelaxing as you relax or keep up with it to keep the environment relaxing, but never truly just sit and relax. Aaaaaaah!   

While I sat during my time off and relaxed amongst the mess, I read the August issue of Oprah magazine and found out that once again, researchers are being paid to scientifically conclude what we all already know.  The discovery this time?  That having a husband in the household adds 7 extra hours of chores a week for a woman compared to when she was unmarried, while he does an hour less per week than when he was a bachelor.  The article says the researchers didn't know WHY this is. 

Can I just respond scientifically?  

Duh!  

I also read recently (source unremembered) that international studies show that regardless of economic class or whether the woman stays at home or works part- or full-time, basically the woman to man housework ratio is 2:1 around the world in industrialized nations.  And the childcare ratio is far worse, childcare being defined as physically taking care of the needs of the child such as dressing, bathing, and feeding, but not counting wresting on the floor or reading bedtime stories.  

No wonder I'm tired all the time and busy all the time, even though I don't feel like I "do" anything or "get anything done" all day sometimes.  And I don't even do heavy duty cleaning or have very high standards for cleanliness.  So, it could be much worse.  

I guess we've still got a long way to go, baby!  

Leaving the Left Brain

Last night Backtire & I sat and watched Jill Bolte Taylor's TED talk. Wow. If you don't know about the TED conference, check it out. All of the talks I've ever watched were fascinating and thought provoking, sustaining me for days or weeks. Jill Bolte Taylor is a neuroanatomist who spent her life researching the brain and then experienced a brain hemorrhage that shut down her left brain. She had the unique opportunity to observe her own brain losing function and altering her perceptions and recover from this experience to share it with us. Watch her talk first. My reaction is below.  

It seems clear to me that this woman has something in common with people who have experienced near death experiences, out of body experiences, voodoo rituals, meditative trances, and ceremonial and recreational drugs. All of these things organically alter brain functioning, changing activity patterns in various parts of the brain, and therefore altering the person's sense of "normal" consciousness. It makes sense that people who have had the opportunity to see the world and themselves through a different consciousness would consider it a life changing experience and want to spread the word to others. And isn't that what both seeking enlightenment and taking ritual drugs are all about?

I find it fascinating to think that all of the visions, hallucinations, indescribable feelings, and awarenesses that people attribute to peyote or deep meditation or almost losing your life are really just things that are being unlocked from within your own brain chemistry. All humans must universally have the capacity to feel as if they are floating above their own body or see colors in the air that aren't there if only the right parts of our brains are stimulated or shut down. In fact there is much evidence of this, which I don't have time to find and cite right now, but I've read it here and there over the years.

I'm particularly fascinated by all of this, both as a scientific person who has devoted time to studying the brain and as a person who has never been lucky enough to experience any of it. It remains unreachable to me from my left-brain imprisonment. I haven't taken the drugs and I haven't had the head injuries. I haven't had the patience for meditation, as it just feels like sitting still and doing nothing to me, or worse, listening to the endless chatter of my left brain making lists and reminding me of things, which stresses me out instead of relaxing me.

The closest I ever get to altered consciousness is in the shower, while driving sometimes, or in the hypnogogic/hypnopompic state each morning and night. I feel kind of zone-y and stream of consciousness at those times. Random thoughts occur to me and I automatically synthesize bits and pieces of my experience and memories together and often come up with interesting ideas. It's a nice break from the chatter and it leads me to the creative spark and the satisfaction of self-reflection, but it's still pretty left-brained, I think. I cannot even imagine floating above my body or feeling enormous and expansive and one small part of the energy of the universe. I can intellectualize that concept, but I don't truly "get it".

Think about this- each person on the planet due to their individual make-up and various groups, due to their cultural influences, and in fact each brain possessing animal may indeed be experiencing the world and themselves in slightly or entirely different ways. If I live mostly in my left brain and you live mostly in your right, do we see eye to eye? Can we understand each other? Does a gorilla or squirrel experience the world in more of a right brain enormous and expansive way than I do? When I try to see things from others' point of view, is it an exercise in futility because I am making a gigantic and flawed assumption each time, which is that the other being essentially views themselves and the world and the relationship between them the same way that I do, when in reality I cannot even fathom what their personal universe is like?

I agree with Jill Bolte Taylor's essential message- that we would all benefit if we could all tap into our right brain more and understand our interconnectedness and be at peace with ourselves and each other. We don't want to induce brain injury in everyone. I'm not sure how I feel about passing out the drugs to all. So, how do we get there?

We Goed B-Me-X-ing!

We broke all kinds of barriers this evening with our family outing to the BMX park. Chips and raisins for dinner. Bike riding way past bedtime. But most notably, I finally pushed past my fear and rolled smoothly over a couple of jumps in a row, got some speed in the berms, and got that "I can do this!" feeling.

I made several laps in a row, gaining confidence and smoothness, shedding anxiety each time the wheels hopped and slid and it was no big deal. My muscles relaxed, joints loosened. I started looking ahead instead of at the ground inches in front of my front wheel. The bike bounced up and down beneath me and I instinctually leaned and shifted, bent my knees, absorbed the shocks in the terrain as if I knew what I was doing. It was fun! I had fun!

I took a break, heart pounding, out of breath. Both from exertion and adrenaline. I was tired, covered in dirt, and exhilirated. I was a 37 year old sedentary mom BMX-ing for the first time in her life. Hey, that's pretty awesome. And way more fun than sitting on the sidelines providing snacks and water. And way better for my fitness and confidence and family bonding.

I'll have you know that this did not come easily for me. I've never "had it" when it comes to kinesthetic talent. I bump repeatedly into pieces of furniture or countertops that haven't moved positions in years. I was always picked last in PE. I am going left when the step class is going right. My mind and muscles are just not wired together properly. I have been motivated over the years to undertake various physical activities- skateboarding, mountain biking, dancing, and surfing come to mind, but have always found the learning process a real struggle and often quit in frustration. And it's not for lack of willing coaches. But the combination of poor proprioperception + high expectations for myself + the need to figure things out myself with no help + frustration with anything I can't learn super fast = well, ... issues when it comes to this stuff.

And, Backtire is AMAZING at this stuff. He has never taken more than 10 minutes to essentially figure out how to snowboard, rip stick, or whatever on the first time he tries. His brain and body fundamentally work in sync. He intuits the effect that gravity, friction, air resistance, mass, angle, acceleration, and torque will have on the situation. His body responds reflexively, with no conscious analysis. He, as they say, IS the bike, surfboard, or motorcycle. Plus, adrenaline is one of the necessary daily requirements for him, a close second to oxygen. And, he doesn't mind getting hurt as much as I do. We have the ER visit receipts and at-the-ready collection of ace bandages, gauze, wrist stabilizers, and "road rash kits" to prove it.

So, being a person who compares myself to others, is quite competitive, and whose identity is rightly or wrongly wrapped up in accomplishments- well, you can see that I'm not doing my self-esteem any favors by hanging out with him and trying to do sporty stuff together. Except, maybe I am.  Because he relentlessly pursues physical activities and therefore I cannot hide from them. And he relentlessly cajoles, ahem, encourages and supports me to try them, too.  

The first couple times we went to the BMX park, I only spectated, turning down offers to give it a try. The next time I rode Backtire's bike, but only on the flat. Rode it some more at home on the asphalt to get used to it. Next time, I tried going over the smallest bumps, about 12-18" high. OK, did that and didn't die or embarrass myself (which is worse?). Did that a few more times. That was kind of fun. Tried the bigger bumps and ripped up my calf by stopping in fear as I would crest the top, putting my foot down and suffering the pedal coming around to eat my flesh. Felt embarrassed, scared, and frustrated. Went back to spectating. Figured I probably wouldn't be able to get past the fear. I'm too old. Chalked it up to one more thing that I suck at and therefore won't find fun. Imagined all the years of BMX-ing that they'll do together as I sit reading a book on the sidelines or don't even bother to go. All the fun they'll have without me.

I finally had a big talk with myself and Backtire about all of this and why I have such a hard time just "letting go" as everyone tells me to and even just "doing it only for fun", even if I suck and am struggling, which everyone tells me to do, also. I realized that I needed a strategy. I needed a lot of time and no pressure. I needed space to figure it out myself without people tossing suggestions at me. I needed to only have to focus on one tiny skill at a time because I lock up and get overwhelmed if I have to remember to do two or more new things at once with my body. (No problem in other arenas of life!) I even needed little to no cheerleading because somehow what others think they are giving to me to be supportive just feels like more pressure to me. And too much praise and attention to my progress just distracts me and then I goof up. I need to work on things in my own little bubble in my mind. And I needed strategies for not getting hurt, so that I could have more fun and less pain and be less likely to quit.

I rode the bike around my street, practicing putting my foot down on each side, way out past the pedals so that if I did reflexively put it down out of fear, at least my new muscle memory would have my calf clear of the claws. I got over my fear and rode the bike off the curb over and over. I practiced riding up and down the bumps in the sidewalks where people's driveways are with my pedals even, because if they are in the up/down position, they will scrape against the slope on a jump. I went up and down driveways and practiced getting more speed up and stopping quickly. I practiced leaning the bike way over and counterbalancing with my body. I practiced balancing the bike while going really slow.

Then at the track today, it all came together. After a long time waiting all the teenage hot shots rode off and left the track empty. I took some laps on the flat, then added the tiny bumps. I got up some speed and went for a big bump and stopped at the crest out of fear, but- ta da!- got my foot clear of the pedal when I stopped. I tried again and whoa! I did it! After a few repetitions, I even accidentally got some air. Kind of scared me when the front tire lifted up like that, but I recovered and it probably looked really cool and like I did it on purpose to everyone else. Whoo hoo for the inadvertent trick!

I did it all a bunch of times in a row and it felt great, but I made sure to quit while I was ahead because I know myself. I need to bask in my accomplishments and be motivated to come back and push myself a bit more. If I had eaten it, I would probably just end up quitting. Baby steps. Baby steps. And major props to Backtire, who gave me space and time and bit his tongue and just let me do my thing until I figured it out. He didn't even look at me or smile or compliment me until we were ready to go home. Perfect!

I'm really happy that I pushed past fear and anxiety and self-doubt and silly notions about age and out-of-shapeness and gender. The best reward, though? The high five from Turtle- "Good job, Mommy!" and the lit up smile on his face at the excitement that our whole family "goed B-Me-X-ing".

p.s. OK, if you've made it this far, I have to share this one other little thing.  After riding all that time and Backtire being good and not saying a word to me, on the way to the car he mentions casually to me- "Uh, you might want to wear a different kind of shirt next time".  I had a v-neck tee on.  Apparently, I was giving the teenage BMX-ers a show when I came around the corners leaned over on the bike.  Not to worry, Backtire assures me it was "R-rated, not X-rated".  Normally, I'd be mortified!  But I was so proud of myself for riding that I don't even care!  Mental note on the crew neck next time, though.  

Easy-Make Oven

Pictured above is a play kitchen, featuring life-like and cool retro styled appliances that are only $250 or so each, available at your local retail indulged child outlet. Don't get me wrong. They are beautiful pieces, nicer than what's in my own kitchen, despite their non-functionality. And I would have been very excited to play with them as a child. Who's kidding? They'd be fun to play with now. But, isn't it scary that you can take that same $250 and purchase a real live working oven or fridge?

After searching a bit online and flagging some less expensive play kitchen items for my son, it dawned on me that I could just make him a play kitchen. Having moved a few months ago, we've got our share of perfectly sized cardboard boxes. And I faintly remember that a long time ago I used to be a creative and crafty person who enjoyed doing just this sort of thing. That's before I allowed workaholicism and then new motherhood to take their toll.

So, I squirreled away materials for a few weeks. Then my mom coincidentally gave Turtle a set of toy pots, pans, and cooking utensils. Inspiration finally struck and, box cutter and packing tape in hand, I created my masterpiece.

Notable features: 4 red hot burners, see through oven door with velcro closure, pull out basket pantry below.

Accessories: Pantry items such as box of rice, can of beans, carton of milk, and oatmeal canister made from the real thing emptied & cleaned.

Tooting my own horn some more: Cut triangles out of picture on frozen pizza box to make slices of pizza, made realistic looking pancakes out of scrapbooking paper and cardboard, folded edges of silver coated cardboard inserts from ?? packaging from something I can't remember ?? to make cookie sheets/griddles.

Coming soon: Utensil holders made of toilet paper rolls glued to the side. And a sink/pantry unit and refrigerator.

This is fun! Turtle already loves it and has been making carrot soup in his stockpot and hot water in his teapot for what he calls "eatmeal" (oatmeal), and is trying to learn to flip pancakes with his mini spatula. The only downside is the lack of sturdiness factor, but the upside is that when he loses interest, it can be torn down and recycled.

Meanwhile, it's nice to know that when we move into our new house in a month, at least one of us will have a really nice kitchen!

Hypnogogic & Hypnopompic

I was listening to a podcast of James Lipton playing "Not My Job" on NPR's Wait Wait Don't Tell Me (12/2/07). He said some of his best writing inspirations come during the hypnogogic and hypnopompic states.  The huh? I'm a physiological psych major and amateur neuro-geek and had never heard these terms, which he said referred to the zones between waking and falling asleep and sleeping and waking up, respectively.  But, I immediately related to what he said.  I often get my best creative ideas and experience a vivid feeling of mental clarity regarding problems I am trying to solve during these times.  Being a congenital Type A, my mind also tends to spontaneously create well-ordered to do lists and new project self-assignments.  I often am jumping out of bed just as I got in or before I'd really like to get up in order to run into the office and write these fleeting thoughts on a post-it before I lose them.  (Yes, I know I could keep post-its by the bed.) 

This morning I jumped out of bed to write a reminder to look up these two words and learn more about them and write this post.  But upon researching the terms in depth (Okay, upon a quick glance at Wikipedia and a few other sites), I found that the terms are specifically used to describe a series of physiological and psychological phenomena that certain individuals experience during this transitional time between sleep and wakefulness, such as temporary paralysis and sensory hallucinations.  (Lipton wasn't describing any such phenomena, so I'm not sure if his use of the terms is strictly correct, but it would take research I don't have time for right now to answer that.)  This led me to websites devoted to "sleep inertia" -the technical term for morning grogginess, which is scientifically verified to possibly last up to 4 hrs, which explains some people I know.  And to lucid dreaming, a concept I first learned about from the movie Waking Life.  Which, by the way, is a beautifully uniquely animated film that is great eye- and mind-candy.  I loved it so much I had to buy it, and I own less than 10 DVDs.  I also loved enough to own Spirited Away.  Check them out next time you're renting.  

So, here's to the transitions between sleeping and waking and to hoping that I've benefitted even more from hypnogogic and hypnopompic creativity than normal in the past 21 months as I've had to wake up and fall back asleep with a much higher frequency since becoming a mom!  

What kinds of hynogogic/hypnopompic weirdness have you experienced?  When and how does inspiration strike you?  Have you seen these movies and what did you think of them?  Do you podcast?  Podcasting NPR shows is awesome, because otherwise I would never hear them!