Kill Me Now

8:24 arrive home from visiting grandparents for the day (note: no nap), attempt at carseat to crib transfer foiled

8:25-8:57 take off pants, change diaper, and attempt to soothe exhausted half asleep sobbing, thrashing 2 year old who doesn't know where he is and why he was woken up from a deep slumber, finally have success with tight hold, rocking, and 15 minutes of endlessly repeated whispered rhythmic recitation of Goodnight Moon from memory

8:57-9:08 enjoy quietly sitting in rocking chair with warm sleeping child on my lap, await deeper sleep cycle verified by wrist drop before installing in crib, wakes up anyway but accepts normal bedtime routine of back rub, count to 10, ABC song, and special goodnight kiss

10:36 went to bed

11:00- lie in bed listening to sprinklers coming on and neighbors out in the street

11:?? finally fell asleep

12:23 hear Turtle cry, extract stuck foot from between crib rails, start over with back rub, count to 10, ABC song, and special goodnight kiss

12:23-1:?? lie in bed listening to
resident nightingale at decibel levels illegal past 10 pm in this neighborhood
every breath and snore and move of husband next to me
random thoughts & irrational worries swirling around in my brain

1:?? finally fell asleep

2:17 hear Turtle cry, apply blanket to cold legs, locate white bear at opposite end of crib, commence back rub, etc, #3

2:20-2:27 stand over crib removing hand from back and self from room molecule by molecule soundlessly so as not to be detected, successfully sneak out after taking 7 minutes to walk 6 feet

2:27-3:?? lie in bed listening to bird, snores, thoughts until I finally fall asleep

4:22 Oh my freaking god, you have GOT to be kidding me, hear Turtle cry again, say "What?! What?!" to him as he says "mommy, mommy, mommy" over and over and mumbles nonsensical things, lift him out and carry to our bed, plop down in frustration

4:22-6:26 little warm arm over my neck, toes jabbing into my side, toss, turn, soft breath against my arm, legs kicking my boobs, "stop kicking me!", toss, turn, fall in and out of sleep, lose track of who is tossing and turning, awaken multiple times in discomfort, start thinking about how much today is going to SUCK because I got no sleep, oh yeah and Turtle got no sleep, oh yeah and Backtire got no sleep, so begin anticipating hell, curse the situation

6:26 little fingers stroking my hair, kind of pleasant and soothing, actually, no wait, stroking turns to grabbing fistfuls of hair and pulling at my scalp over and over

6:27 "Kill me now" comes out of my mouth, alerting Backtire to my plight, who has several times throughout the night tried unsuccessfully to extricate Turtle from my personal space, Backtire gets up with a heavy sigh, removes Turtle from the room and lets me get some sleep

6:28-7:01 listen to Turtle cry for Mommy, argue about diaper change, play with Daddy in his bedroom at full volume, oh yeah and ALL of the birds are awake now, and the sun is streaming through the window, finally yell that they need to "Go to the living room, please! and shut the hall door, please!"

7:02-9:15 sun, birds still at full stimulation levels, attempt to block somewhat with strategic pillow placement, sound of toddler and Daddy still present, but fainter, able to fall in and out of sleep a bit more until I just give up and get up to come write this as a way of avoiding today's hell just a little bit longer.

9:39 post this puppy and go to meet my fate

Leaving the Left Brain

Last night Backtire & I sat and watched Jill Bolte Taylor's TED talk. Wow. If you don't know about the TED conference, check it out. All of the talks I've ever watched were fascinating and thought provoking, sustaining me for days or weeks. Jill Bolte Taylor is a neuroanatomist who spent her life researching the brain and then experienced a brain hemorrhage that shut down her left brain. She had the unique opportunity to observe her own brain losing function and altering her perceptions and recover from this experience to share it with us. Watch her talk first. My reaction is below.  

It seems clear to me that this woman has something in common with people who have experienced near death experiences, out of body experiences, voodoo rituals, meditative trances, and ceremonial and recreational drugs. All of these things organically alter brain functioning, changing activity patterns in various parts of the brain, and therefore altering the person's sense of "normal" consciousness. It makes sense that people who have had the opportunity to see the world and themselves through a different consciousness would consider it a life changing experience and want to spread the word to others. And isn't that what both seeking enlightenment and taking ritual drugs are all about?

I find it fascinating to think that all of the visions, hallucinations, indescribable feelings, and awarenesses that people attribute to peyote or deep meditation or almost losing your life are really just things that are being unlocked from within your own brain chemistry. All humans must universally have the capacity to feel as if they are floating above their own body or see colors in the air that aren't there if only the right parts of our brains are stimulated or shut down. In fact there is much evidence of this, which I don't have time to find and cite right now, but I've read it here and there over the years.

I'm particularly fascinated by all of this, both as a scientific person who has devoted time to studying the brain and as a person who has never been lucky enough to experience any of it. It remains unreachable to me from my left-brain imprisonment. I haven't taken the drugs and I haven't had the head injuries. I haven't had the patience for meditation, as it just feels like sitting still and doing nothing to me, or worse, listening to the endless chatter of my left brain making lists and reminding me of things, which stresses me out instead of relaxing me.

The closest I ever get to altered consciousness is in the shower, while driving sometimes, or in the hypnogogic/hypnopompic state each morning and night. I feel kind of zone-y and stream of consciousness at those times. Random thoughts occur to me and I automatically synthesize bits and pieces of my experience and memories together and often come up with interesting ideas. It's a nice break from the chatter and it leads me to the creative spark and the satisfaction of self-reflection, but it's still pretty left-brained, I think. I cannot even imagine floating above my body or feeling enormous and expansive and one small part of the energy of the universe. I can intellectualize that concept, but I don't truly "get it".

Think about this- each person on the planet due to their individual make-up and various groups, due to their cultural influences, and in fact each brain possessing animal may indeed be experiencing the world and themselves in slightly or entirely different ways. If I live mostly in my left brain and you live mostly in your right, do we see eye to eye? Can we understand each other? Does a gorilla or squirrel experience the world in more of a right brain enormous and expansive way than I do? When I try to see things from others' point of view, is it an exercise in futility because I am making a gigantic and flawed assumption each time, which is that the other being essentially views themselves and the world and the relationship between them the same way that I do, when in reality I cannot even fathom what their personal universe is like?

I agree with Jill Bolte Taylor's essential message- that we would all benefit if we could all tap into our right brain more and understand our interconnectedness and be at peace with ourselves and each other. We don't want to induce brain injury in everyone. I'm not sure how I feel about passing out the drugs to all. So, how do we get there?

We Goed B-Me-X-ing!

We broke all kinds of barriers this evening with our family outing to the BMX park. Chips and raisins for dinner. Bike riding way past bedtime. But most notably, I finally pushed past my fear and rolled smoothly over a couple of jumps in a row, got some speed in the berms, and got that "I can do this!" feeling.

I made several laps in a row, gaining confidence and smoothness, shedding anxiety each time the wheels hopped and slid and it was no big deal. My muscles relaxed, joints loosened. I started looking ahead instead of at the ground inches in front of my front wheel. The bike bounced up and down beneath me and I instinctually leaned and shifted, bent my knees, absorbed the shocks in the terrain as if I knew what I was doing. It was fun! I had fun!

I took a break, heart pounding, out of breath. Both from exertion and adrenaline. I was tired, covered in dirt, and exhilirated. I was a 37 year old sedentary mom BMX-ing for the first time in her life. Hey, that's pretty awesome. And way more fun than sitting on the sidelines providing snacks and water. And way better for my fitness and confidence and family bonding.

I'll have you know that this did not come easily for me. I've never "had it" when it comes to kinesthetic talent. I bump repeatedly into pieces of furniture or countertops that haven't moved positions in years. I was always picked last in PE. I am going left when the step class is going right. My mind and muscles are just not wired together properly. I have been motivated over the years to undertake various physical activities- skateboarding, mountain biking, dancing, and surfing come to mind, but have always found the learning process a real struggle and often quit in frustration. And it's not for lack of willing coaches. But the combination of poor proprioperception + high expectations for myself + the need to figure things out myself with no help + frustration with anything I can't learn super fast = well, ... issues when it comes to this stuff.

And, Backtire is AMAZING at this stuff. He has never taken more than 10 minutes to essentially figure out how to snowboard, rip stick, or whatever on the first time he tries. His brain and body fundamentally work in sync. He intuits the effect that gravity, friction, air resistance, mass, angle, acceleration, and torque will have on the situation. His body responds reflexively, with no conscious analysis. He, as they say, IS the bike, surfboard, or motorcycle. Plus, adrenaline is one of the necessary daily requirements for him, a close second to oxygen. And, he doesn't mind getting hurt as much as I do. We have the ER visit receipts and at-the-ready collection of ace bandages, gauze, wrist stabilizers, and "road rash kits" to prove it.

So, being a person who compares myself to others, is quite competitive, and whose identity is rightly or wrongly wrapped up in accomplishments- well, you can see that I'm not doing my self-esteem any favors by hanging out with him and trying to do sporty stuff together. Except, maybe I am.  Because he relentlessly pursues physical activities and therefore I cannot hide from them. And he relentlessly cajoles, ahem, encourages and supports me to try them, too.  

The first couple times we went to the BMX park, I only spectated, turning down offers to give it a try. The next time I rode Backtire's bike, but only on the flat. Rode it some more at home on the asphalt to get used to it. Next time, I tried going over the smallest bumps, about 12-18" high. OK, did that and didn't die or embarrass myself (which is worse?). Did that a few more times. That was kind of fun. Tried the bigger bumps and ripped up my calf by stopping in fear as I would crest the top, putting my foot down and suffering the pedal coming around to eat my flesh. Felt embarrassed, scared, and frustrated. Went back to spectating. Figured I probably wouldn't be able to get past the fear. I'm too old. Chalked it up to one more thing that I suck at and therefore won't find fun. Imagined all the years of BMX-ing that they'll do together as I sit reading a book on the sidelines or don't even bother to go. All the fun they'll have without me.

I finally had a big talk with myself and Backtire about all of this and why I have such a hard time just "letting go" as everyone tells me to and even just "doing it only for fun", even if I suck and am struggling, which everyone tells me to do, also. I realized that I needed a strategy. I needed a lot of time and no pressure. I needed space to figure it out myself without people tossing suggestions at me. I needed to only have to focus on one tiny skill at a time because I lock up and get overwhelmed if I have to remember to do two or more new things at once with my body. (No problem in other arenas of life!) I even needed little to no cheerleading because somehow what others think they are giving to me to be supportive just feels like more pressure to me. And too much praise and attention to my progress just distracts me and then I goof up. I need to work on things in my own little bubble in my mind. And I needed strategies for not getting hurt, so that I could have more fun and less pain and be less likely to quit.

I rode the bike around my street, practicing putting my foot down on each side, way out past the pedals so that if I did reflexively put it down out of fear, at least my new muscle memory would have my calf clear of the claws. I got over my fear and rode the bike off the curb over and over. I practiced riding up and down the bumps in the sidewalks where people's driveways are with my pedals even, because if they are in the up/down position, they will scrape against the slope on a jump. I went up and down driveways and practiced getting more speed up and stopping quickly. I practiced leaning the bike way over and counterbalancing with my body. I practiced balancing the bike while going really slow.

Then at the track today, it all came together. After a long time waiting all the teenage hot shots rode off and left the track empty. I took some laps on the flat, then added the tiny bumps. I got up some speed and went for a big bump and stopped at the crest out of fear, but- ta da!- got my foot clear of the pedal when I stopped. I tried again and whoa! I did it! After a few repetitions, I even accidentally got some air. Kind of scared me when the front tire lifted up like that, but I recovered and it probably looked really cool and like I did it on purpose to everyone else. Whoo hoo for the inadvertent trick!

I did it all a bunch of times in a row and it felt great, but I made sure to quit while I was ahead because I know myself. I need to bask in my accomplishments and be motivated to come back and push myself a bit more. If I had eaten it, I would probably just end up quitting. Baby steps. Baby steps. And major props to Backtire, who gave me space and time and bit his tongue and just let me do my thing until I figured it out. He didn't even look at me or smile or compliment me until we were ready to go home. Perfect!

I'm really happy that I pushed past fear and anxiety and self-doubt and silly notions about age and out-of-shapeness and gender. The best reward, though? The high five from Turtle- "Good job, Mommy!" and the lit up smile on his face at the excitement that our whole family "goed B-Me-X-ing".

p.s. OK, if you've made it this far, I have to share this one other little thing.  After riding all that time and Backtire being good and not saying a word to me, on the way to the car he mentions casually to me- "Uh, you might want to wear a different kind of shirt next time".  I had a v-neck tee on.  Apparently, I was giving the teenage BMX-ers a show when I came around the corners leaned over on the bike.  Not to worry, Backtire assures me it was "R-rated, not X-rated".  Normally, I'd be mortified!  But I was so proud of myself for riding that I don't even care!  Mental note on the crew neck next time, though.  

They're Here!

Oh glorious day!  The shoes arrived!  I'll debut them tonight at the Mom's Night In.  I know it's just cheap wine and a girly movie in someone's living room, but it's a start.  One step closer to freedom from a bleak future with the ranks of the reasonably shod...  

Breaking Up With My Pick Me Up

(Photo Credit)

Dear Caffeine,

We can't go on like this. I have fun when I'm with you and you make me feel alive, but I'm losing sleep and being on this energy roller coaster is taking its toll on me. I should have never initiated this relationship with you. For all those years, you were around in the background, but I didn't see what others saw in you. And then I distanced myself from you for a good 18 months after Turtle was born. After that, I should have just stayed away. But you tempted me with morning clarity and late night productivity and you knew just how to pull me out of that 4 pm slump. Hanging out once or twice a week became stealing visits with you multiple times a day. And now I'm stuck in this cycle of rendezvous, guilt, fatigue, breaking away for a few days and then crawling back in desperation after a few nights of lost sleep and the realization that no one can make me feel just like you do. Somehow I can already see that this will be one of those long complex break ups and that you aren't going to help me by letting me go. But I hope you care about me enough to realize that I need to cut you off, that it's the best thing for me. And I know you'll find someone else. There are plenty of other sleep deprived overworked moms out there.

I'll never forget the good times!

Farewell,

Chelsea