Ahead of Myself

I am always ahead of myself. I drop things because my feet are already leaving the kitchen before my hands have gotten a good hold on the plate I need to carry. I bump into things because I'm already walking through the door anyway even though my hand found the knob to be a little stuck and hasn't gotten the chance to finish opening it. My hip hits the corner of the counter because my mind is already in the next room. My head lives in the future. Sometimes the distant future, but most of the time at the very least a few moments from now.

The good part of this? I'm excellent at planning things, at visualizing how the logistics of something will work out. I'm always prepared, like a Boy Scout, anticipating what could go wrong and what I might need to have with me. I don't fall prey to procrastination often, so I don't suffer the stress of the looming deadline. I'm good at saving money. I remember to take pictures so we can remember the moment later.

The bad part of this? The bruises and spilled food. The overpacking. The worry over how the action of this moment will impact the next and 10 years from now. The preparation for the anticipated reaction to my actions that may or may not ever actually materialize. That one causes me to rehearse conversations and confrontations, usually in the shower and while I'm driving. When I'm in overdrive, I even imagine how I'll respond to something that I don't actually have any evidence that some other person is going to say to me. The sitting out on fun now things to make sure I stay on top of future things. The internal reactions I have when things do not come out as I imagined or hoped or expected. The external reactions I have to things not meeting my expectations and how those effect the people around me and my relationship to them. The difficulty with spontaneity and living in the moment.


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