Free Range Challenge

One morning last week Turtle and I went on a date to Starbucks where we enjoyed a leisurely breakfast over the newspaper together. After some time, I needed to go to the bathroom and was confronted with a decision that was a new one for me to make as a parent. A year ago, no question, I would have to bring him to the bathroom with me, hoping the staff didn't clear away our table since we weren't done yet. But there he was, happily examining the weather map and right in the middle of eating, and it seemed silly to make my 5 year old interrupt himself and come into the restroom with me just to spectate.

It took me a couple of minutes to think on the situation and decide how to handle it. The thoughts running through my head? We'll come back to that in a moment.

I said to him, "I need to go to the bathroom." He didn't even look up as he shrugged and replied "okay" and kept reading. I said, "What will you do if a stranger talks to you?" He didn't know. I clarified, "It's okay if someone talks to you, but I mean what if a stranger is bothering you." He calmly said, "I'll come to the bathroom and get you." Pretty logical. "Ok, yeah, you come and say 'Mom! Mom!' really loud, okay?" It felt silly to take the conversation any further.

I went to the bathroom alone, felt like I needed to be kind of quick about it, and of course returned to the table to find absolutely nothing amiss in the world. No one had missed me. No one had even noticed I got up. Everyone was still busy reading or talking or working on their laptops. It was all just not a big deal.

But it was a kind of new milestone for Turtle & I. Well, at least me.

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A couple of nights ago, I got the fortunate opportunity to see Lenore Skenazy speak at a local venue. She's the author of Free Range Kids: How to Raise Self-Reliant Children (Without Going Nuts With Worry). I've been a big fan of her blog for several years now. If you aren't familiar with the concept of raising free range children, please check out her blog and book, but the basic point is that over the generations for many silly and unjustifiable reasons we have somehow clamped down on the freedoms and independence that children used to enjoy and grow from.

We used to roam the neighborhood unsupervised all day and now kids aren't allowed in their own front yard without a parent present. We used to walk to school, or at least the bus stop, facing the weather, bullies, and stray dogs, but now kids are protected by SUVs driveway to driveway in the nice, safe, suburban neighborhoods that their parents bought homes in because they were nice, safe, suburban neighborhoods. You get the idea.

And the fall out from this? Parents and kids are more and more scared of the real world. I end up with high school students in my classroom who are afraid to get dirty, have never changed a light bulb, cooked a meal, or done their own laundry, and who expect to get the A and the trophy and be kept safe and comfortable at all times. If they forget their lunch, a text goes out and their parents leave work to bring lunch to school immediately. There is no opportunity to learn from fending for one's self. There is no preparation for living on one's own. And the kids are scared to try new things, extend themselves to meet new people, to make mistakes, and to explore the world on their own.

And don't even get me started on everyone staying indoors and interacting with the virtual world, ruthlessly killing every potential germ and avoiding contact with outdoor soil, air, water, plants, and animals and how that connects to childhood obesity, the increase in allergies and asthma, and even depression...

So, Lenore's talk was preaching to the choir for me, but reaffirmed and reinspired me to try to raise my children as free range as possible. Which, when it comes down to it, means as free range as I can get myself comfortable with. She made a lot of great points and told some wonderful anecdotes and shared some enlightening statistics and you'll have to go see her yourself or read her stuff to hear all of those, but one of the big ones that stuck with me was that it's really about being very conscious as a parent to recognize and identify your own fears and then work through them.

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So what was running through my head before I took the leap to take myself to the bathroom alone at Starbucks? The worst case scenario, of course. What's the worst thing that could happen if I left my son unattended? That I'd emerge from the bathroom to find him gone. And then never live another day without regretting my foolish, selfish decision to go to the bathroom alone.

I questioned myself as to whether I'd adequately prepared him for being alone in situations like this. We really haven't talked about "stranger danger". Mostly because it's almost never an issue since he's lived the first 5 years of his life in constant supervision from loving family, friends, and teachers. But also because I haven't wanted to instill irrational fears in him and think the stranger danger thing is overblown. (As Lenore puts it to her son, "you can talk to strangers, you just can't ever go off with them". Much more reasonable!)

I considered whether because I haven't drilled him on stranger danger, does that mean he is likely to happily accompany a stranger who tries to take him out of a Starbucks? I somehow couldn't picture Turtle, who often reacts with words, whines, and cries to any little slight or interruption of his focus and who can put up a good fight just to refuse to greet or thank a relative, agreeing to just leave the restaurant with a stranger. I felt like he'd end up causing some sort of a scene that would get my attention or that of others and would slow down the potential kidnapper that only exists in my anxiety filled brain.

I looked around and saw all the people filling the cafe who had seen us come in and sit down together and some who would notice me get up and go to the bathroom. I thought about the couple of employees who see us there regularly and know that he belongs to me.

I thought about how stupid it was for me to actually think that some random kidnapper would be in the Starbucks on the corner of my nice, safe, suburban neighborhood just waiting for a moment like this for me to go to the bathroom so he could snatch my kid amongst a crowd of witnesses.

(One of the stats that Lenore shared in her talk was that if you wanted your kid to be kidnapped, you'd have to leave them outside for 650,000 years unsupervised in order for that to be statistically likely to happen.)

I thought ahead to the many years in the future in which Turtle would be out in the world without me around to keep an eye on him and how I'll never be able to control those situations and there will always be some element of risk to him that I can't do anything about. And how if I let exaggerated fears and worries drive my decision-making, I'll be exactly the kind of parent I don't want to be, stifling his development and confidence and chances for success when he leaves the nest.

And I went and peed alone.

****

Lenore talked about a 5th grade teacher who assigned her class to do a free range project, in which each child chose to take on a new challenge that they were probably ready for but hadn't tried until then or maybe hadn't been allowed or encouraged to do on their own. One kid learned to cook eggs on the stovetop. Another walked to her local grocery store alone and bought all the ingredients to bake her own cake. One walked his little sister to soccer practice and watched her by himself.

I love the idea of challenging children to come up with their own free range project! And, if your kids are younger like mine, coming up with some ideas for them that you feel it's time for them to try. For example, I think Turtle can start learning some of the basics of cooking at the stovetop with our supervision. And when the weather warms up and the days get longer, he'll be allowed to play out front more and more and farther and farther down the street without us out there with him the whole time.

I love even more the idea of challenging ourselves to face our own fears and coming up with free range parent projects that we realize it's probably time to try...

... like taking a solo trip to the Starbucks bathroom.

****

So, what free range projects is your family ready for?

Turning 40

Last night I greeted Backtire and Turtle as they climbed out of the car to say "Happy Birthday" to me and give me hugs. I thanked Backtire for the card and gift he had left for me to find that morning. Turtle's bottom lip started to quiver as his eyes got sad and he said "but I want to get you a present for your birthday." Tears began...

Oh no!

We had both failed to make a point to ensure that Backtire helped Turtle select a gift and prepare it for my birthday in advance. I felt so bad! The thought had crossed my mind a few days ago that he's old enough to get how birthdays work now and to want to be a part of preparing gifts for someone, as we've done so for his friends', cousins, and great-grandfather's birthday parties over the past months. But it's been a year since Mommy & Daddy had a birthday and we just didn't think it through as to how to include a 5-year old in that. Plus, we've all been so busy and exhausted and there wasn't really a plan to do anything special on a Tuesday night for my birthday. We're having a larger extended family dinner on Saturday. So, it just wasn't on our minds.

I hugged Turtle and told him that there was only one present I really wanted from him and that was a hug and a kiss. He smiled and gave me those, but then burst back into big tears saying "I know, but I want to give you a real present and wrap the present and give it to you on your birthday." I offered that my party wasn't until Saturday so he still had time to do that, but he wanted to give it to me on my real birthday. He cried frustrated that "I need help getting a present, I don't know how to buy one myself!"

We were about to go out to dinner and everyone was already starving, which wasn't helping us out of the meltdown, so I offered that Daddy could help him figure out how to get a present tonight after dinner if he wanted. He suddenly straightened up and got serious and said "Well, I need to go to Target" and asked me how late they were open. Then, "but I don't know if they have what I want to get."

"Well, Dad will know- talk to him about it. He'll help you."

"He doesn't know! Now I have to give it away!" Crumpling into my arms.

"No, you don't. He'll know. Ask him."

"Well, he doesn't know if they have grown up books at Target!"

"They do. He can help you with that."

"Now I gave it away!" Huge, more frustrated cries.

"No, you didn't, because I don't know which book you'll pick."

"But I don't know any of the names of the grown up books!" More agonized crying.

"Daddy can help you with that. You guys can go after dinner and he'll show you which ones I like."

Eventually, he calmed down enough for us to make it into the car and head to dinner.

I don't want the focus of birthdays to be on the idea that we get stuff. But I completely understood where he was coming from, too, in being so upset, because getting presents is one of the exciting things about a birthday and he saw how enthusiastically I had just thanked Daddy for his gift to me and felt left out of being able to make me feel that way, also.

And I felt so crappy and sad about all of this because it is really our responsibility to help him be able to give someone a gift if he wants to. He's not going to check his calendar and remember a birthday is coming and make time to create something or find a way to go buy something on his own. And he expressed all of that to us- that he couldn't get to the store or even know which book to pick without our help.

And I felt heart-warmed that he had such a desire to get me a gift and that he suddenly came up with the idea of a grown up book, which is a lovely perfect idea as a gift for me and makes me happy that he recognizes our shared love of reading and books and that I would enjoy a grown up book just for me.

So, that is how I found myself on my 40th birthday sitting in the passenger seat of the car in the rain in the parking lot of Target past bed-time with Backtire and Turtle inside buying me a surprise grown up book, frantically texting back and forth to Backtire in an effort to help him select a good book for me. I was trying in vain to remember what popular bestseller type book Target might have that I would want or names of authors that I like in general, but which books of theirs I've already read, all without being able to be in there and see the bookshelves and he was texting me possible titles for approval. We finally settled upon Eat, Pray, Love. Whew! All the while, Turtle was oblivious to this behind-the-scenes choreography of my gift selection.

They emerged from the store, one weary and one dimpled with excitement holding a Target plastic bag and saying "we got your surprise!" After we got home, I was banished to the back of the house while the gift was carefully wrapped and the secret bonus gift of my favorite ice cream was put in the freezer. Then right before I was to open the gift, a relative called to wish me a happy birthday.

Finally, much past 9 pm, the moment arrived and Turtle excitedly presented me with my beautifully wrapped gift. I opened it and exclaimed that I had been wanting to read this book and how did he know?! And thank you so much for getting me a book because I love to read and it makes me really happy! and hugs and kisses!

And he was smiling from ear to ear.

And that was the real gift.

Teaching Evolution to Children

Last night, Turtle was talking to his dad about the dinosaurs in the puzzle he was piecing together and mentioned that the T-Rex was a “bad guy”. Daddy corrected him pointing out that just because an animal is a meat-eater, that doesn’t make it a bad guy, that’s just how it needs to eat. Turtle clarified saying the reason it was a bad guy was that it ate people.

To which both of us quickly jumped in to remind him that dinosaurs and people never lived at the same time on earth.* I said something to the effect of “a long time after most of the dinosaurs were extinct, then humans came to earth” and the instant those words left my mouth, I regretted that last clause.

Predictably it led to Turtle asking “well, how did humans come to the earth, then?” Crap! I knew better than to use the phrase “came to”- what was I thinking! To make it worse, Backtire jumps in with a sarcastic “well, the aliens dropped off the humans” and I give him the evil eye because this is going to be a tough enough concept to explain to an almost 5-year old with out adding sarcasm about other people’s misconceptions and crazy notions into the mix.

So, I had to explain that Daddy was joking about the aliens thing and apologize for my mistake and backtrack into the explanation that there was an ancient group of animals who changed a little over time, then changed a little more, more, more, more until they became humans. He already knows that this is how birds came about from their dinosaur ancestors, so the analogy would have made sense to him.

Then he says “oh yeah, so gorillas changed into humans”. Aack! No! I started over, explaining that there was an ancient primate that was similar to monkeys and apes, but not the same, and some of them changed and changed and eventually became gorillas, while others changed and changed and eventually became chimps, and others monkeys, and others humans.

After that, we had to head out to dinner, but I kept thinking about this conversation, as a parent and an educator. Evolution is notoriously tough for laypeople to understand and there are some very real cognitive barriers (not to mention the emotional and cultural ones) that prevent people from truly grasping it easily. One is that it deals with deep time, which in and of itself is nearly impossible for most people to conceptualize. Another is that it is a highly complex phenomenon, each new piece you learn leads to more questions and details and variables to consider, so although you can attempt so simplify evolution and explain it to people of all ages and educational backgrounds, a true understanding of it doesn’t come until after much study.

Although I understand evolution well and have been careful to avoid explaining nature in magical or so-grossly-oversimplified-that-they-become-incorrect ways, he still leapt to conclusions that represent some of the most common misconceptions held by laypeople about evolution all on his own. Namely, that humans and dinosaurs lived together and that monkeys and apes turned into humans.

This happened in my living room and I am a parent who has invested a lot of energy into educating myself about evolution, educating my students about evolution, and working with other scientists and educators to attempt to address the difficulties encountered by the public and students when trying to understand evolution.

What’s a less evolution-involved parent to do? Seek out appropriate resources for helping you talk about the realities of how nature works with your young children. Visit Charlie’s Playhouse and recommend it as a resource to your child’s teachers. They’ve got learning resources and a list of approved and recommended books for all ages. This is important because there is a lot of quackery and incorrect stuff out there, so you can’t just Google “evolution books for kids”- the list you get back won’t have been vetted for accuracy.

Educate yourself. When’s the last time you took a biology class? Who knows what the quality of your learning was in the first place, how much you've retained, and how outdated that information is at this point? Get the facts. How?

Go to Berkeley’s Understanding Evolution site, which can serve as a sort of refresher Evo 101 course for you and has a whole section dedicated to resources for teachers you can recommend to teachers you know.

Visit the Smithsonian Museum of Natural History’s Human Evolution site with your kids. There are beautiful photos, fossils, timelines, videos, maps, and more to help you understand and explain our origins. Even better, plan a visit to the exhibit with your family!

Want to go deeper into current evolution research? Try NESCent.

Want updates on efforts to ensure quality evolution education in public schools? Head to NCSE.

Good luck with you & your child's evolving understanding of evolution!

(*Dinosaurs lived between 250 & 65 million years ago, when most of the species went extinct. It’s important not to imply and simply not true that all dinosaurs went extinct. Some species remained, evolving over time to become modern birds. This is one of the first misconceptions children hear from us about ancient life and evolution.)

The Birth of A Stereotype

(image credit: http://writingya.blogspot.com/2008_10_01_archive.html)

Turtle came out of his room in his red Valentines shirt and wearing a baseball cap backwards this morning. I commented that he looked really cute in the hat and he said:

"Mom, did you know that bullies wear their caps backward?"

"Oh, really?"

"Yes, if they have caps."

"How do you know that?"

"I've seen pictures of bullies in some books at school and they always have their caps on backward."

"So, are you trying to be a bully today?"

"No!" (smiling shyly)

"Right, just because someone's hat is on backward, doesn't make them a bully. And also can't there be bullies who wear their hats forward? or don't have hats?"

"Well, it was an information book, so it says all the bullies have their hats on backward."

"Well, I think you can't tell by someone's hat whether they are a bully or not."

"Well, it was an information book, Mom."

So this is how stereotypes are born, huh? Clearly every picture book he's seen that features bullies stereotypes them as the kind of kids who dress and look a certain way. Which is sad and inaccurate. Unfortunately there will be all sorts of bullies Turtle will encounter in life and I only wish they could all be easily identified in advance by something as simple as how they wear their hats. The reality is much more nuanced than that. At least he wanted to wear his hat backward anyway and didn't fear being identified as a bully.

Of course, later in the car ride to school, he explained to me how the boys might be wearing red today and the girls might wear pink and purple. But the boys won't because those aren't boy colors. I proceeded to explain that there are no rules when it comes to colors and people can like any color they want and reminded him we had just five minutes before both been admiring the pink blossoms on our plum tree. I told him that you can't know what everyone likes unless you ask them. I was told "well, I asked all the boys in my class and they all don't like pink and purple. Those are girl colors." I countered, "well, I know some other boys who do like pink and purple." And then I sat and thought to myself how I had picked out pink liner paper for Fox's* dresser and how it was already filled with pink and purple hand-me-downs. How much do you push fighting stereotypes when you realize that you've bought into them, at least to a certain extent, too?

And this whole information book thing has been an issue lately. At some point, I had explained to him the difference between fiction and non-fiction, in the context of wanting him to understand that some of the stories we have about animals and people at home were really true stories or that other books were reference books with true facts. Ever since, that has been used against me. Anything I try to correct him on, he tells me that he got the idea from an information book, which is supposed to justify it regardless of how wrong it is. Oh my. And again, I realize that he's merely reflecting my own values. I am an information book kind of gal. I'm a skeptic and tend to not buy into an idea or be comfortable justifying it until I've read about research studies that validate it. Which is a good thing, I think, in the age of blossoming internet quackery. But the part of the lesson I haven't been able to get across to my almost 5 year old yet is how you have to know how to validate the source of your information and balance it against everything else you know. All in due time...

*Fox is the baby girl I'm expecting in 9 weeks.

Frustration Free Packaging!

(Photo stolen from Amazon's website)

3 years ago, I posted a rant about my frustration with toy packaging. I'm happy to report that Amazon is trying to help us and the environment with their new "frustration free packaging". They are working with certain toy manufacturers to have the toys packaged as simply as possible inside a plain cardboard box that is sturdy enough for the toy to be shipped in. If you want Amazon to gift wrap it, they will. The receiver will only have to tear a tape seal, open the plain box, and maybe open a couple of baggies of small parts inside and be ready to play with the toy. No more plastic that you can't cut through or endless twist ties. You get to the goods much faster and, best of all, the minimal and mostly cardboard packaging is much more environmentally friendly.

Now, the CO2 emissions from shipping the toy across the country, the resources used to manufacture the toy in the first place, and the materials some of the toys are made of that ultimately need to be disposed of when the toy's life cycle is over are still not environmentally friendly. But it's a small step in the right direction. And because Amazon is leading the way, with their gigantic volume they have some weight to throw around in terms of pressuring toy manufacturers to get on board with this. My overly ambitious hope is that we'll see these plain boxes show up next at our local toy retailers...

So, if you must buy new toys for the holidays this year, please consider looking on Amazon for the ones with frustration free packaging. And if you want to do better than that, buy, swap, or hand-me down used toys which have no packaging at all, don't need to be shipped across the country, probably have a lot of life left in them, and the kids will enjoy them just as much!